2022 was brutal, I was feeling burnt out and did not want to continue the hustle as an immigrant running a small biz in the United States. Terribly missing home and my mental health and bank account needed stability. Had made plans to move back to my homeland and restart my career as an educator. Unexpectedly in Spring 2023 I found out I was going to be a mom. My first pregnancy at 42 #geriatric It was a joyous moment and also gut wrenching to halt career plans, wrap my brains around WTF I’m going to do! On top of it all I had little to no energy in my early pregnancy and all my body wanted was to nap constantly. As an independent artist and small biz owner, I could not afford to take time off from my long list of to-dos. PTOs, what’s that?! It was definitely a battle and I was scared. A dear friend reminded me that maybe it was the universe telling me to chill the fuck out and just enjoy this journey I would be sharing with the bunny that was growing in me. The little one was due in the year of 🐇
As I prepared to be a mom, one of my favorite couch reading was learning the fruit in relation to the weeks of pregnancy. Before we got to a fig, I started experiencing spotting while vending at a event. At that time I did not have a OBGYN as the U.S. medical system the first prenatal does not happen till week 8-10 🤯 Disgustingly profits over people. Called the Kaiser helpline, scheduled a phone appointment with a rando doctor and waited for a call back while I sat alone in the parked car at the event venue. I was told my spotting could be normal and head to the ER if it worsen. Got off the phone, walked back into the event space, smiled, sold goods, pack up and cried when I got home. Something wasn’t right.
Two days later, I felt cramps and the doctor office scheduled an emergency appointment. My first visit to the OBGYN in 12 years, first ultrasound… I was emptying blood onto the floors of the doctors office crying… 💔 the gestational sac was empty.
The ultrasound showed that the gestational sac was at 5weeks where it should have been 8weeks. My first prenatal appointment was at 10 weeks. So for the 3+ weeks that the embryo had stopped growing I was still experiencing pregnancy hormones, sleepy body, snacking constantly and hella farting. It took about 2 weeks for the tissues to clear. I dreaded going to the bathroom, not knowing if what’s going to come out of my womb…💔 My original first prenatal appointment turned into a postpartum check.
It was suspected to be a missed miscarriage and had two choices. Some women choose to wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally, while others take medication to trigger the miscarriage. In some cases, a procedure called dilation and curettage (D&C) is used to remove the placental tissues. Naturally I opted for the first and waited…My experiences getting medical help in this country have been horrible and traumatizing. Dr Sherman, whom I just met was comforting despite the bloody situation. After leaving the Gynecologist department I was sent to the labs to get blood work to test HCG levels and confirm that they were decreasing. The lab technician cheerfully asked “how’s your day?” I could only shake my head and hold back tears.
Got home and balled my eyes out… told my partner to call the parents and that I wanted space to mourn. At 20 I had a major open chest surgery to remove an 8” benign tumor and miscarrying was higher on the pain scale physically and more so emotionally. Over the course of weeks, I had to go back to test my HCG levels to make sure the body is doing its thing to reset. My folks in Singapore were worried sick that they could not support me heal. A sweet friend that’s also a doula @earthshinedoula dropped off Black Chicken Soup at our steps to aid healing of my body and soul. I didn’t want to leave the house much for weeks and could not go into the community clay studio for 2 months. I feared bursting into tears in public and the pressure to explain myself. This Mother’s Day, I received texts of love from friends who knew.
It has taken me months to pen this… taking time to process, mourn and heal. It has been painful and also learning. Some of the latest products were designed during the time of pregnancy and also loss. They are very special to me, particularly the White Rabbit Knit Blanket... Had plans to also design mini blankets for the little one... ❤️🩹
Really wish folks would be open about their pregnancy loss. I still shed tears but am glad to reside in CA where there are laws to protect the right to personal reproductive decisions.